Store Directory

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A recent mixup with a supplier has lead to certain lotions having the opposite effect--healing instead of reddening scars, making wrinkles go away instead of deepening them, etc.

Photorealistic portraits of attractive men and women with intense, blazing eyes adorn the faces of these otherwise austere timepieces

Homey store that specializes in tall but soft wooden clocks that release scents like tea and laundry soaps that aren't made anymore instead of chiming the hour

A Freed From Green! teen has set all the clocks in the store to alarm at the same time in celebration of a captured FFG hero

Spooky jazz standards play from scratchy 78s to aid the shopper in selecting from an assortment of monster-themed sunglass frames, including the popular invisible ghost frames

Frequented by high-class professional criminals from the future, the backroom is said to be a surgical suite for technological implants

Committed to safe, sexy fun, Mistress Veronica welcomes the curious to her dungeon below the shop to see her products in action

Throbbing industrial music accompanies the normal sounds of installation and repair of the store's fashionable and retractable stainless steel specialty

Exhaustive paperwork and probing measurements promise shoppers the exact custom made perfume and makeup for their biometric history and psychological profile

By painlessly removing, deep-cleaning and applying proprietary ointments to the face before re-attaching it, a 2-3 hour process can remove 4-5 years of aging!

An elephantine century-timer dribbles down red sand, slowly revealing what looks to be an ancient mannequin in the upper chamber

No-nonsense optometrists in lab coats barely conceal their disgust with the meat eyes they examine, always recommending cybereye replacements

The child you, the you before marriage or career clamped down on your spirit, they're here, unbelievably still here, and so disappointed in the current you, so eager for a second chance

With tomorrow's eyes, the bourgeois taboos and social conventions of today are exposed as laughable and arbitrary caprice, these nude and rude eyeglass sellers attest

Cooler than cool and extremely expensive, tri-color shades in various hues can be spotted adorning fashionable executives and celebrities from the C-suite to the 24-Hour Party

A humble seller of mid-priced and luxury sports watches, Watch Out! is run by a poltergeist who ensures customers must dodge falling displays and brave thrown products to make their purchase

Exceptional tinkers equipped with the latest and greatest tools can repair almost anything, but it's usually not cheap

Picture an all-natural miniature golf course, where instead of bogus windmills and artifical turf, your goal is to land an eagle in the blowhole of a whale confined in a large saltwater pool and get your ball into the pried open mouth of a living crocodile; and before you worry about ethics, rest assured these are criminal animals serving their time

Only nominally an ice rink, the rink area itself serves as a flea market with a special focus on knives, swords and axes, along with ice skates and helicopter blades, though you never know what you might find among the sharp edges of these wheelers and dealers

Best known for the diving ball pits which rival swimming pools in depth, some enterprising mallrats have made a hobby of searching for treasure at the bottom, where countless kids, teens and adults have lost things from arcade tokens to recent purchases to passports, jewelry and hard currency

Styled like a Bond villain's hideout, lasers, blades and flames imperil every ball, which the staff call 'lives', and golfers will need many extra in order to complete the 18 hole course, each hole more fiendish than the last; there's a rumor that a Freed From Green! teen did it with one ball, winning a mysterious prize

Despite constant admonitions from staff and the name of the ice rink itself, teens are always finding excuses to drop bowling bowls and other heavy objects in attempts, so far unsuccessful, to break the ice and see what's underneath

The machines play themselves, so paying customers must sometimes wait for the ghosts to run out of lives before they can pop their own tokens in, and the strange prizes offered at the ticket counter draw plenty of kids to the ticket games; a huge walk-in freezer from a previous incarnation of this space remains, used as an arena for chilly tag played in 10 minute rounds

Actually a satanic-themed roller rink, popular with goths and metalheads, the temperature is always toasty and skate rental is cheap; the monthly Halloween costume themed skate days attract a wide assortment of contestants and onlookers

A high speed go-cart course weaves and intersects through clusters of arcade cabinets, adding a real life Frogger challenge and making this a popular spot for blood-seeking ghouls to fill their sponges before headed to Used Blood

A difficult course becomes even harder when the only illumination is artificial starlight; missing balls are a bigger hazard than sand traps, but night vision goggles can be rented for an additional fee

The animal decor is a little corny and the video games all have religious themes, but the real star of the show is the massive crane machine where the optimistic show pluck in attempt after attempt to score ATVs, riding lawnmowers and hovercrafts

An open-world, cooperative miniature golf experience, the goal is collective and often forgotten anyway, as joints from the Joint Rollers' Union are included with the club and ball rental fee along with a buffet of munchies; as the saying goes, the friends that blaze together, graze together

False suns installed behind stained glass depictions of famous gamers in their moments of triumph illuminate this otherwise modern arcade, where a popular draw is placing bets on other people playing the well-stocked claw machines

Distinguished gentlemen and ladies dressed in finery from a century ago hobnob and putt on this members' only course modeled after the 1996 PMGA Invitational held at Pappy's Sup and Putt

Two hockey teams wait impatiently while the packed stands all cast ballot after ballot to determine which of them will be allowed to ride the Zamboni to clear the ice

Sebastian Fontaine, a ruthless executive famously shot eighteen times by a disgruntled employee, has achieved a kind of immortality as a conceptual minigolf course themed around his gigantic corpse, with each hole indicating whether it was an entrance or exit wound and with actual autopsy notes and historical documentation surrounding the labor dispute

Competitive trick ice-skaters wear specially designed glove-blades to flit and flip from handskating poses to toe jumps and back; their ritualized combats often leave streaks of blood on the ice

A holographic princess begs walkers passing by to save her by going on a Lazer Quest; inside, gamers compete with each other using virtual reality machines that promise big prizes to the winners and allow unlimited continues until the money runs out

Small tents dot the large rink, styled as a frozen lake; bait, fishing gear and portable heaters are available, along with hot chocolate and coffee at a little snack bar, where rumors abound there's some great treasure deep below in the frigid water

Prove your love through donning knight arms and armour and compete in traditional hastiludes against a range of skilled opponents

A simple concept done to perfection, these stunning full-face hat-masks embody the spirit of almost any land mammal imaginable

Fresh bloodstains, bullet casings and broken china plates accent the crying women in dresses and growling men in suits who staff this store, specializing in film noir weddings and the cutting edge of murder mystery fashion

Fed up with T's monopoly on torso covering garments, these experimental shaped shirts cut to different letters provide a fashion-forward outlet for the owner's belief in an alphabetic democracy

Festive holiday garments that span from the traditional Saturnalia pilleus and colorful cenatoria to modern "Santa hats" and ugly Christmas sweaters

What began as a quick storefront to move surplus muscle tees has become a well known media empire employing hundreds of creatives who enrich the convoluted background lore of the store's mascot Genghis Pecan, a mutant ratlady with very long legs who invented and popularized basketball in medieval times

Frighteningly realistic masks provide the prankster or covert agent with a bevy of celebrity choices, though rumors say custom faces can be constructed from a simple photograph, if you're willing to pay

From stylish but plain solid-color tees to abstract screenprinted designs, these shirts all share one thing in common: a small hole somewhere in the fabric, punctured by hand using a proprietary tool

The classic Kangaroo Jack is a hat with a pocket on the outside for things you want to show the world and a pocket on the inside for contraband you want to keep to yourself

A mistaken shipment of right shoes has opened the eyes of the left shoes to a deeper mystery, awakening a desire to meet their mates on the other side of the Mall

A petite but shrewd commercial philosopher, Aristotle's logo-plastered garments embody the striving to represent the outward appearance, not the inward significance

High-end boots in all styles, from untreated full grain green leather to punched and distressed alien-human hybrid, counterfeits abound but the real deal will always pass the lick test--a horseradish tingle that stays on the tongue for hours

Timeless style and fashionable function were Nicholas the Milliner's promises and he always keeps his promises; since retiring, his son, an android named Nicholas 2.0, has rebranded the store and is competing in increasingly aggressive ways with Rob's Big Damn Hats

From an assortment of solid hard hats in all colors of the rainbow to vintage and modern diving helmets, full face motorcycle helmets, and caged face masks, the products are inarguably quality, but some of the decapitated mannequin heads that show them off complain about working conditions

Squatting in the remnants of Robot Courtship after the robots failed to reboot following an automated update, these anarchic entrepreneurs offer spike and leather street fashion, as well as formal bondage wear, hair dye, and piercings with a safety pin sterilized by a cigarette lighter

Loud signs proclaim Symmetry is Boring as a ghoulish display of mannequin legs show off designer sneakers like a brightly lit knackery

Maintaining a friendly rivalry with Nicholas Lids, these hats are large and in charge, like their garrulous owner, Big Damn Rob

Stocks the traditional and modern regalia for second and third weddings, including red turtlenecks for brides and see-through trousers for grooms

Express your transcendence of material wealth by spending a fortune on these emerald, sapphire, ruby, and diamond studded sandals to literally trod on jewels with every step; popular with phony bodhisattvas and anti-materialist poseurs, who would never give them up

The best part of a shirt, in different lengths, styles and materials, from blue spidersilk cuffs, heavy-duty denim biceps, to full-length formal sugar sleeves and metallic epaulets

Seemingly stocked from the Mall's lost and found (which may explain why so little is actually found there), almost anything can be discovered here with the caveat that those borrowing something for their big day inevitably end up losing something as well

Sets of four left and four right sneakers in various patterns that can be combined based on whim or occasion; often formal, athletic, leisure and religious pairings are recommended but the stylish on the edge of vogue may even mix and match from different Tarantula sets

Enigmatic and silent, the pale employees prove excellent tailors and seamstresses, knowing what's best without words and suffusing part of themselves into their labor

A store tradition encourages customers to throw their old shoes into the Well of Soles and walk out in the newly purchased pair as a sign of consumer confidence and a shield against buyer's remorse

Taking cues from Mother Nature in the longlasting aromas of cat urine and skunk musk, their ammonia and sulfur-based product line outperforms competitors in duration by a factor of 10

For those seeking to enjoy both the hardcore and the gentle that scented candles and soaps have to offer, Big Time Sensuality! provides bold and eclectic scents, textures, and tastes

Epitomizing the old-school, Big Tom in his ancient three-piece suit hawks heavy vintage sets that let the viewer fill in the color, something he claims modern generations have forgotten how to do

Harkening back to a time before harsh electric lights starkly revealed every crag and wrinkle of a face, this store provides soaps and make up that work best in the soft ambiguity of torchlight, which subtracts up to ten years of age

A discarded idea, where the brand of TV you purchased restricted the type of broadcast you could watch, like old videogame consoles that couldn't play games designed for other systems, Channel 99 TVs can only receive Channel 99 broadcasts, which are filmed live from the modest studio in the back of the store where the producers are always looking for more acts to fill the time slots so Channel 99 never goes dark

Why See The World in Black and White? asks the cardboard cut-out of Dr. Red at the entrance, and indeed, no TV in the store shows those despised shades, instead blasting commercials in intense blues, yellows, and reds

Some of the tables and chairs are sentient but playing hide and seek and remaining very still, spooking customers and driving the clerks crazy

Kids love riding the deluxe three story tall escalator up and back down while their parents haggle goodnaturedly with sales clerks over warranties, installation and delivery costs for in-home elevators

The ultimate DIY furniture experience, customers pay for access to all the tools to build their own furniture and the rights to cut down trees in the artificial forest

Ranging from 100 inch white or silver projection screens to massive 100 foot wide drive-in movie screens, Joe's screens actually let you step into the film being projected onto them

A massive communal bathtub allows customers to try the generous samples of soaps, shampoos and lotions while making new friends--be sure to bring your best birthday suit!

Mechanical seeds that instantly grow urban infrastructure like street lights, fire hydrants, bus shelters, street signs, trash cans and sewer grates designed to prepare desolate spaces for peopling

Beautiful steel flowers with sharp edges tempt children and provoke anxiety in parents, but the patina formed by rust creates a uniquely precious bouquet often used at store opening or closing ceremonies

These flowers grow with petals of different colors, adding an unpredictable chromatic explosion to any garden; the rumor is that Princess Rainbow achieves her undeniably impressive results by planting seeds in soil soaked in the blood of witches

A small pilot light can be seen below these clear mattresses filled with different colored flames due to the careful chemical mixes present within each one; some folk swear they've never rested as well as on a fire bed, and Psycho Dave encourages the curious to try one out in a secluded private demo area

The market for TVs with no built-in audio outputs is small, but Quiet Pictures has helped grow an audience of consumers looking to turn television programs into a solely visual medium, not an audio-visual one, like old-fashioned silent films but with their own distinct artistic conventions

The hippie aesthetic of a flower store hides a not very well kept secret -- those in the know can obtain mushroom tea, ecstasy, nitrous, opium, acid, heroin and PCP by ordering "off-menu"

An empty showroom is actually anything but; the invisible furniture sold here allows rooms to appear much larger and makes cleaning a breeze, while providing pranksters with limitless opportunities for mischief

Still stacked in heaps in the back room, when it turned out there wasn't much interest in experimental toilets whose bizarre designs elicited confusion and hesitation on where to sit, stand or kneel, the store began stocking mediocre beds purchased as factory seconds, honestly embracing their quality in a slogan: "Good Enough for Shakespeare's Wife, Good Enough for You!"

Beautiful carved candles in different textures of wax, all cleverly designed to convey a moral truth as the wick burns down; the great emperor candle slowly revealing the skeleton beneath the finery, a beautiful woman with invisible channels that the wax melts down to create the bars of the cage imprisoning her spirit

Though numerous colors and scents bundled in bright names like Chocolate Coffee Romance and A Dream of Cherries greet the shopper, there's something downmarket about the whole operation; perhaps it's the faint smell of gasoline that reveals itself to a casual whiff no matter what the purported scent is, or the fact that the bowling ball sized bombs are seldom perfect spheres

Beautiful and breath-taking, the photography of flowers that accomopany each bin of seeds fuel the wishful thinking of would-be gardeners into spending more on seeds than they intended

A novel concept and a privacy nightmare, these hightech suits were designed to answer the constant hunger for more content and the public's innate desire to be on TV by broadcasting the wearer's heart rate, temperature, and other biometrics through ongoing blood tests, while recording every sound and acting as a body camera; all this footage and data gets sent to low paid content factory workers to be used as the raw material of new programs

Faded and withered, these crepuscular blooms offer the wise a bracing symbol of decline while also providing a bitter and sarcastic lover options a regular florist wouldn't allow

Staffed entirely by untrained volunteers who take no special orders or make any exceptions for allergies, the world-weary diners who flock here do so because they seek the unpredictable fare that arrives when they request the one item on the menu, which sometimes arrives sans bread and sans meat

A bargain bin Freegan's Delight, the items on the ever-changing menu here aren't even guaranteed to be edible, but the diligent employees help keep the floors of the Mall clean and they serve as an unofficial lost and found / pawn shop

The origin of the "no scoops" philosophy of the owner is shrouded in mystery, but at the end of the day, the big-handed who hang around offer their services for tips, reaching into large vats of ice cream and retrieving the deliciously cold miracle

Served in a branded thermos, this 64 oz brew is a triumph of quantity over quality

Taking the saying "hunger is the best spice" to an extreme, the owners have stumbled upon a workable business model by serving simple pumpernickel and dark rye bread sandwiches alongside a unique-tasting black soup; this Spartan fare only rises above mediocrity by virtue of the extraordinary length of time it takes for the order to be brought out

Polite to the point of obsequiousness, the clerks here maintain a machine that can create any three ingredient sandwich as long as the ingredients begin with the letters B, L or T, but has been on the fritz and creating them randomly, i.e., banana laxative tabasco

Run by a bearded former hippie with a rotten soul who voted for Nixon, the nuts and shrooms that make up the "eggless omelette" are anything but ethically sourced

A half dozen classic cherry bombs in a reusable wooden case has been a can't-fail gift for generations; classic milk chocolate is but one of the increasingly strange coatings available as the chocolatiers struggle to make lightning strike twice

Vivian, Marissa, and Chloe, three failing business women, found surprising success by combining into the only restaurant that launches plates of simple comfort food from mostly accurate cannons to (usually) glide gently down trailed by small vibrant parachutes onto the correct table expanded by universal table leaves (patent pending)

No corn puppies here, just a bulldog-sized unit of meat and cornmeal, impaled with a sharing stick in the middle and served burn-your-tongue hot to couples as a second date tradition, who touch hands holding the stick as they eat; being unable to arrive at the Lady-and-the-Tramp romantic kiss has aborted many a third date

Groms and gremmies should start with the Hodad, a basic template for the Cowabunga style of cold Havarti cheese covering a sweet ketchup sauce, before moving up to the Paddlepuss Pie, while clucked quimbys and shubies should stick with the Mushburger, leaving those who respect the juice, with no fear of mullering or men in grey suits, to order the Party Wave

The seafood of unknown provenance is no worse than what might be obtained at a landlocked airport restaurant, but the real draw is the gothic gift shop you browse while waiting for your meal which includes skeletons of house pets, black umbrellas and coffin shaped lunchboxes

Cuts of meat a hog would turn its snout up at, fertilizer-grade produce, sealed boxes of crackers and cookies from the Carter administration, everything can be had for pennies on the dollar, but don't forget to factor in the cost of an ER visit for food poisoning

A rotating menu of nine different nectars and ambrosias delight the most jaded tongue, but for a mortal to sample these divine flavors, a sacrifice must be made

A constantly changing menu attracts the curious, who can be assured everything they eat was ethically recovered from the trash by dedicated dumpster divers, allowing vegans to enjoy re-heated Monarchy Burgers and fried worm pumping vessels that they'd never order from the original restaurants

The best smelling aromas in the entire Mall waft from this perpetually busy coffee shop, where the coffee is life-changingly good, the cashiers are friendly, and the only catch is you must place your order at least a week in advance

An idea not entirely thought through, this grocer stumbled on the reality that many people living alone don't need large amounts of ingredients and bags of chips that go stale before they can finish the snack, so everything here is cut quite literally in half, both the price and the product

"You'll Be Satisfied!" A lustful jam-smeared face is the universally recognized logo for this unique concept restaurant, where a complicated order form asks patrons to specify grip type, grip strength, lotion (and if so, scented or unscented?), speed and texture, alongside elaborate and inventive peanutbutter blends and mixed jams; customers usually come once to try it and decide the experience is not for them or become diehard fans, enthusiastically explaining to everyone in line about their preferred combinations and hinting at a secret menu

Some culinary witchcraft allows one gritty bit of sand in every dish served at this casual sandwich restaurant--enough so that only a single bite will be impacted; if patrons eat their whole sandwich, down to the last bite, and haven't found the gritty bit, they know the last bite contains it and don't eat it, which is considered good luck

Spin the Challenge Wheel and Win Big! A popular gimmick that allows customers to guess ice cream flavors blindfolded, plunge their hand into a carton of ice cream for a full minute, or do an hour's worth of data entry to earn a free scoop!

The latest batch of these refreshing fruit-flavored popsicles all have a username and password on the popsicle stick instead of a riddle or joke, mistakenly harvested from a massive intelligence data leak for which heads will assuredly roll

A dismal run-down place that appears abandoned, where ghosts of ghosts congregate, the milkshakes here are so thick they don't bother providing a straw

Decadent desserts like bloodcherry cakes and cream muffins fill the glass case, presided over by teenagers dressed fancifully as ostentatious queens

No place for dieters, plates the size of round shields buckle under the heaping portions of Italian fare, perfect for those who want a few days' worth of calories in one meal

These gold-covered steak burgers and jeweled haunches of meat are impractical and pointless, but perhaps that's the point--you only live once, why not eat like royalty?

At war with most of the other restaurants in the food court, though allied with Radical Ann and Andy, Meat is Murder primarily produces blunt propaganda designed to force people to confront their eating habits by offering meat on the menu and inviting the orderer through the back and down to the lower levels, to see the abattoir of their appetites first hand

The carefree vibes of this top-notch vegan cuisine stop have led to a small number of customers taking the relaxed atmosphere too far, with more and more nudists showing up, which the laidback management has no idea how to deal with

Though listed prominently on the menu and in advertisements, the workers behind the counter do everything possible to discourage customers from ordering the 8-foot tall monstrous burrito which can be heard pounding on a door in the back

Patriotic Beans serves no-nonsense black coffee with discounts for veterans, but requires customers to recite the Pledge of Allegiance before handing over their order; in the process of rebranding into Grounds for Divorce, staffed by scantily clad and outrageously flirtatious young people

A simple idea whose time has finally come, the gimmick here is easy to explain--for those who feel the best part of a burger is the pickle, why not have two large low-carb pickles instead of a bread bun hugging the patty?

A trendy to-go food whose connoisseurs can be identified by the bowtie shaped grease stains on their shirt collars

The antics of the rodeo clowns help distract from the uncomfortable question of what constitutes the admittedly decent tasting meat dishes here; though thinking about what constitutes meat in general--the butchered and cooked corpse of a living animal--is of course the Meat is Murder brand's unique and hideous strength

A wild west, outlaw vibe cultivated by the founders infuses the menu copy, decor, and cuisine; Radical Ann and Andy's real agenda involves supplying weaponized alpha-gal molecules to induce red meat allergies in the public at large

Shelves of groceries trained by mediocre insult comics bombard shoppers with cutting remarks on everything from their perceived political beliefs to their choice of clothing and hairstyle, only shutting up once purchased

Came in second place for most literally named store in the Mall, ahead of HJs and PBJs but losing to We Made Too Much Spaghetti!

"Where Hunger is the enemy", and indeed, the military themed menu, gunmetal grey decor and uniformed employees standing ramrod straight all convey a highly disciplined fighting force battle ready and eager to wage war on that eternal foe, Hunger; "Care to enlist, soldier?"

Everyone can be a superhero for a few minutes if they chug one of these potent brews that taste so strong no amount of cream or sugar can mask the chemicals; the precise interaction with an individual's body is unfortunately always random, lending an unpredictability to the already quite novel experience of being able to fly or turn invisible for five minutes

The two cashiers on shift are always twins who delight in their mandate to obey the sign behind the counter which states that one twin always tells the truth and the other twin always lies; irritating beyond words for customers who just want to order the delicious twin taco meal and not have to count their change to make sure they aren't getting ripped off or end up with some item they didn't order, the twins' higher than average wage makes up for the complete lack of tips they receive

Everyone knows something is wrong with the too delicious to be true tacos here, but the exact reason is open to much speculation--some guess puppy meat, some think the owner is a villain, others believe it simply routine labor exploitation

Opaque heat-efficient steel cannisters with plain labels disguise the high quality and piping hot brews within

Half of this charming bodega is always on fire, meaning shoppers often need to make substitutions based on which aisles are too dangerous to enter, or make arrangements to rent fireproof shopping suits available for a convenient price

"Hello, this is Chocolate 911, what's your emergency?" A busy dispatch center, Chocolate 911, formerly The Candy Hole, bustles and buzzes with the Mall's urgent need for sugar as emergency chocolate is entrusted to uniformed delivery boys and girls who rush in and out, too serious for their age and all-too-aware of their important mission

Seasoned by cruelty, these regenerating dogs are fattened up and then butchered for their paws and tails which get fried up, before being tossed back into the pen to whine in sorrow and grow back their missing appendages; particularly despised by Radical Ann and Andy

Debuting as a massive baked turnover stuffed with sizzling hot cheeses, sauces, and meats, the signature dish has gradually diminished as the size of the modern family has; black and white photographs of bygone celebrities struggling to lift their leftovers dot the walls but only spark disappointment and the muttered phrase the employees have all heard a hundred times before when delivering an order: "A family of ants, maybe"

Delicious smells and the kind-hearted old witch who rings up purchases disguise appalling labor conditions which smell a lot more like sweat than sweet

Famous for cracking the carnivore code and selling vegetables made of meat to skeptical diners, the carrotmeat probably tastes the closest to the real thing

The miraculous tree has been sick lately (some say cursed by a scary witch) and only grows vile and disgusting flavors like biting fish oil, poison sumac root and burnt popcorn

From huitlacoche smothered cobs to the appetizing scent of popped kernels, pale as the spirit of the cinema, and everything in between, all three phases of corn are well represented, though the employees forced to make corny puns by management do so with gritted teeth

Il cibo è così buono che ti mangerai il cappello!

Boldly expanding into greater and greater quantity and kind of scoop, as opposed to flavors of ice cream as other stores have, Too Many Scoops delivers a very good vanilla in a myriad of unconventional shapes

Less intimdating for casual pranksters than the Just Kidding Joke Shop, gagging, ribbing and japing dilettantes with a sweet tooth will love the chocolate-coated hatching eggs which leave the joker with a sugary tongue and the victim with a baby bird to nurture

Customers pay to build custom sandwich combatants from a plethora of fresh ingredients, then send them to fight in the Hot Pan; a proprietary chemical grants them brief life as they fight in the heat, the victorious sandwich being devoured by the winning customer while the losing customer stays hungry

Painstakingly disguised as steaks and burgers, the vegan dishes here are daubed with clear scents from a chemical lab to even smell like meat

Guac this good gets eaten by the spoonful; to dip a tortilla chip in would be to sully its purity and a crime against taste only the truly classless would commit

Known for their humble honesty and serving only one dish, but in heaping portions that a nuclear family would have trouble finishing, the noodles just keep emerging from a cauldron in the back and the customers keep lining up to eat, so it hasn't become a problem yet

These all-natural smoothies, juices and teas don't taste particularly good, but the price is reassuringly expensive, so the mind can be tricked into thinking these beverages are medicine, leading to healing through the placebo effect

Row upon row of bottles filled with both fermented grapes and miserable ghosts, all described in faux poetic terminology, including mouthfeel and acidity

Customers step into what looks like a full-body scanner, which analyzes and duplicates them in ice cream form, resulting in the unique flavor of the individual seasoned with the existential terror of a newly created clone

Widely considered the best burrito in the Mall, the piles of fresh ingredients, steaming hot fillings, and premium tortillas are made to order and delivered to table, where an abdominous 'devourer' whose job is to consume these mouthwatering burritos all day long does so after a brief introduction

Finally, a store for those readers who scoff at home libraries with hundreds of different books on shelves and long instead for the one book library, with a single huge and handsome six foot tall by four foot wide volume containing thousands and thousands of pages

Vetted personally by the chatty staff, every video must have at least 3 explosions and 1 car crash or it won't show up on these discriminating shelves

So closely will the counterfeit resemble the true that it will be impossible to distinguish between them

Loud explosions from high above rain burnt pages and ash down below, but the enormous shelves continue to grow from the floor, providing fresh content

A grim, deathly quiet library atmosphere washed in the paranoia and malice of the secret police, Moribund and Stasi is known for its friendly staff of retired teachers and focus on children's literature

The wholesome music you've come to expect from the Oh Geez! brand, these CDs come with risque words already replaced with mild, kid-friendly equivalents and violent or sexual themes manipulated to be about doing homework and honoring your parents; a repressed powderkeg one mixed up shipment away from calamity

Surveillance footage from all over the Mall attracts Servants of the Mall who need answers and don't have time to navigate the Mall's complex bureaucracy, as well as affcionados of slow media, who thrive on tedium and inject elaborate drama into the routine of a side door opening once every forty-five minutes

The planetarium dome ceiling shows unfamiliar constellations projected from a finicky machine affectionately called the Cookie Monster as space music plays throughout the dark aisles and starlit record bins

Militant about rental etiquette, the owner believes rudeness is eroding the fabric of society and has chosen this hill to die (or kill) on, while providing an assortment of films specializing in foreign and art house cinema

Eerie whalesong combined with speed metal dominate the record crates here, where the shrewd owners took a failing New Age concept store and mixed it with music kids can mosh to, becoming the epicenter of the hardwhale scene in the process

For adolescents curious about horror films but a bit too scared to dive into the deep end, the PG-13 films the teenage cinephiles stock the shelves with offer a spooky onramp to more macabre fare while only provoking nightmares in the most sensitive viewers

Immaculate Stu doesn't intentionally peddle anything ribald, salacious, prurient, crude, blue or otherwise off-color, but the cut-rate books are undeniably dirty, pages stiff with filth and covers covered in garbage bag slime

Towering stacks of unorganized vinyl LPs define the walls of this basement labyrinth where shoppers have been rumored to vanish and teenagers go to make out

An entire genre built on the conclusion of Jingle Bell Rock that skips over the loudspeaker, never resolving, "That's the jingle bell--that's the jingle bell--that's the jingle bell--that's the jingle bell..."

Those who seek out impactful literature will leave with a new book (and possibly a new bruise), as the invisible owner (rumored to be related to the owner of Watch Out!) hurls hardbacks with uncanny force; some teens dare each other to enter the store and attempt to catch the thrown tomes for clout

The knowledgeable Uncle Mario is always eager to shepherd the uninitiated into the eerie voyeuristic thrill world of home film through the intimate though mostly artless birthdays, graduations, weddings and holidays of strangers

The famous werewolf band Furball is playing a show which has attracted tons of frenzied werewolves moshing to the music, knocking over CD cases, spilling blood, getting out of control

Cozy reading nooks beneath broad windows showing prosaic scenes--an oak tree in a pleasant field with an occupied bird's nest, a sleepy side street in a turn of the century French town, a teenage boy playing a video game in a cluttered bedroom--beckon readers to bask in the strange light of the Real World

For those who want a haircut that takes three to four hours, who want to ensure every one of their hairs are numbered and accounted for; movies play and the hairdressers are mercifully silent as they snip and slice and shape hairdos one tiny cut at a time

A special machine allows these canny trichologists to restore damaged hair back to an earlier time in its historical existence, though it's not easy to dial in a particular date, leaving some elderly folk seeking respite with the big hair or bowl cuts of their misspent youth

Not envisioned as a long-lasting enterprise, when the garage tinkering owner came into possession of a large quantity of flare guns and wigs through an inheritance, he decided to try creating something new: a hairgun, which blasts a wig onto the scalp from 100 meters

The industrial-looking machinery of this photography studio uses blindingly bright flashes and deafeningly loud clicks to grant the appropriate dignity to the act of preserving an image forever

A hyperniche concept that hasn't found its customer base yet; bored photographers stage elaborate scenes with the reptile costumes and realistic swamp setting

Built from the bones of herring, the dozens of footbridges that span the three large canals cut into the floor are sturdier than they appear

Sleep-surpressants and symptom masqueraders from competing brands fill the shelves, but the real stuff is behind the counter: Goaway, a revolutionary drug that grants access to a reality where spouses and children have never existed, and crucially, returns you to your own reality after 8 hours have passed

While the eponymous pink mowhawks are free (funded by a mysteriously wealthy Freed from Green! teen), this salon also specializes in liberty spikes of various hardnesses, from Aquanet, to Knox gelatin, to Elmer's glue

Using experimental and proprietary development chemicals and specially manufactured silver halide crystals, a photograph taken with the equipment here depicts the subject's state 24 hours into the future; undeniably a useful thing to know, many a Mall VIP makes a stop here their first visit every morning to provide some indication of what the future holds, be it a stained shirt, a black eye or a gory decapitation

Caffienated artists in shifts sit behind easels waiting to capture a likeness in oil paint, requiring a sitter to stay still for up to 24 hours at a time, for which complimentary sedatives are provided

Colorful oozes, slimes, puddings, jams and jellies quiver in eleqantly hand-labeled glass jars, each serving a different use, each with a different appetite

Red salts (cobalt nitrate) and blue salts (copper sulphate), sweet salts (lead diacetate) and sour salts (potassium bitartrate), basic salts (zinc chloride hydroxide) and complex salts (tetra amino cupric sulfate) entice students of chemistry and alternative medicine believers; the popular sensory deprivation chamber in the back has been out of order for weeks, rumors say due to a haunting

Capitalizing on a short-lived trend where people sent silhouettes of themselves to friends and family, the store's popularity has cooled but still offers plenty of weird props that cast interesting shadows

Provides a convenient place to pick up over the counter drugs and medications in suppository form, a practical necessity for those without mouths

All night the great alchemyist toils in his lab, consulting the ancient tomes of Zosimos of Panopolis and Maria of Copt, Xu Fu and Zhang Guo the Elder, Artephius and Jabir ibn Hayyan to transmute exotic ingredients like blue vitriol, powder of algaroth, spirit of box and lunar caustic into effective potions for bad breath and diarrhea and creams to treat jock itch and athlete's foot

Similar to a sensory deprivation tank, the actual dark room is a terrifying place where the skilled photographers can capture the essence of a person as they wait in complete darkness, sealed off from the rest of reality, alone with only thier mind; a popular makeout spot for teens

Staffed entirely by unemployed royalty from monarchies that no longer exist due to revolution, the store exists to attempt a class rebalancing; perpetually short-staffed as, when offered the choice between the guillotine and working a service job, most royal family members choose the guillotine

Sharp-tongued, opinionated tonsorialists wearing You Call That Hair?? branded monochitons with high-girdled zosters mercilessly snip, crimp and cut in the old style while they playfully mock their clients to each other in Latin

The cacophonous calls of missing children and the stressed responses of irritated adults are not enough to dissuade the largely under-12 set from gleefully forking over the entrance fee and scurrying under the large sign that says Get Lost to begin crawling through the more than 8 miles of intertwining tunnels, hoping to find the right path to the prize chamber

A store dedicated to products from the fictional village of Diktown, Peru, famous for its beautiful, intricate skeleton keys carved from cedrorana wood, hand-colored with warm-hued scented paints and set with inlaid blue spiderweb filigree

Well-paid poets wait to pen masterpieces based on your specifications, with one small hiccup: recently, every sonnet they create ends with the line "a black dog licks the syrup from my hand" due to a curse paid for by jocks from the Jump Rope Emporium

Ashtrays and their rustic cousin the spittoon line the shelves, with a large communal well filled with ashes and brown and yellow tobacco juices that may be the foulest place in the entire Mall; it's supposed to be cleaned once a shift but employees walk off the job or disappear before it ever happens

They cut back and forth in tall aquariums, hammerheads and great whites, makos, tigers and nurses, waiting to be purchased by supervillain lair interior decorators and left field business men looking for a chum disposal system the warehouse can give a cute name to

Bourgeois artistes seeking the thrill of danger flock to this store whose concept evokes a noir alleyway with sinister trenchcoated figures offering deals in low voices; the convincing atmosphere attracts real soulflirts, heart larcens and other premium scum, along with teenagers kicked out from the Cathedral of Pleasure

A poorly named establishment, the taxidermied Big Owl namesake isn't even that big and the bird nests on display are mediocre at best; the morbid and curious, however, may be interested in the haunted birdhouses for sale behind the counter

Staffed exclusively by hot witches and scary witches (and always hiring), the store sells cauldrons, brooms, black leather, frog and toad based cosmetics and blood perfumes

Sultry, commanding and seldom seen, the proprietress may well have been invented by a marketer, but the snails are true mysteries, coming in an array of sizes and shapes, each shell unique; adventurous gourmands swear by their addictive and always-a-surprise taste, slurping them raw from the shell

Bins filled with doll eyes, doll mouths, doll legs, doll arms and doll hearts get picked through by DIY baby-makers looking for rare doll parts to craft their unique creations; the schedule for when various bins are replenished is a valuable bit of knowledge and fights have been known to break out between these eccentric rival hobbyists as they dig through looking for treasure

Selling everything from soft modeling clays to massive hard marble blocks, along with numerous tools to help the would-be sculptor make a dent in the art world, the otherworldly examples which litter the store can cause vomiting and wreak extreme mental trauma on the unprepared

A chaotic store where over the course of a day the underclass frees their brothers and sisters from their packages to abolish the tyranny of the shop clerks only to form the 'slime of a new bureaucracy' that in turn gets overthrown

Attempting to capture the childhood feeling of the Big Saturday, where no responsibilities hung like clouds and a full day's worth of play had occured before noon, the store peddles traditional games and knickknacks, as well as abstract possessions like extra birthdays which go in and out of stock

A breathtaking feat of precise and ambitious origami folding gives the store its name, a dollhouse-sized paper palace, filled with furniture and paper dolls who wander the palace as though they have a life of their own

Long curled cigarettes in bright colors and shaped like crazy straws entice precocious children with their whimsical colored smoke and adult flavors like salmon and mixed vegetables

Tiny outfits, each one a miracle of fashion, complicated gadgets and dangerous weapons, all completely functional, just at 1:18 scale

Styled like a municipal post office, gig workers hang around waiting to make deliveries and the post office boxes provide an address for dedicated denizens of the Mall

Not really a horseshoe shop, though one is hung behind the counter for luck, this is the place to go for heavy ordnance, fire works and explosives

Offers complimentary anatomy lessons for gingerbread men and stocks trendy cookie cutter shapes such as wishbone, bicuspid, and broken mirror

Great historical flames line the shelves behind the counter, from when Rome burned in 64 AD or a flicker of flame from the second Olympic games in 772 BC, as well as more modern conflagrations in various colors, shapes, and designs suitable for any occasion, all coming with certification paperwork and care instructions

Men and women who take pride in their work sit at long tables listening to a union member read literature out loud while their experienced hands roll perfect J after perfect J

The trampoline-like floor of this store makes it a magnet for kids and a nightmare for clerks who spend most of thier shifts putting toys back on shelves after they fall off due to bouncing children

Uncompromising and deadly serious when it comes to pranks, this store stocks everything from Godiva Ponies which render the rider nude to pocket change tricks like bubble gum that makes the chewer hungry, soap made from poison ivy in an innocuous box and sleeping hornets to place in someone's car, as well as things that would border on fraud in other jurisdictions, like counterfeit coupons to other stores in the Mall

Little Monsters was born from a simple question: What if stuffed animals had skeletons? Now these grotesque but oddly adorable creatures, soft but firm, after expiring from the wear and tear of a child's love or languishing neglected and forgotten by a newly minted teen attract microbes which consume their stuffing and fur, leaving behind bones in various hues (ladybug red being the most sought after) as a morbid collectible

Lizards of all shapes and sizes lounge on heated stones in large enclosures where they are catered to by compassionate monks who entertain them with sophisticated laser pointers

35mm camera that reveals a weeping schoolteacher in the background of every exposure? Phone calls that originate from your own house to cancel your services without your knowledge? Horrendous smelling leftovers in a brown bag in your fridge that no one in your family put there? Or maybe you've captured a ghost in a cage and need help with identification and disposal? If the above describes you, then the discreet professionals here can help!

Fed-up and unhelpful, the employees here are hired based on their surliness and ability to witheringly point to the line of self-service paint tumbling machines with a contemptuous expression

Children grey and glum, whose parents dislike them, eat lukewarm pizza and listen to an animatronic philosopher declaim about guilt: Although the most acute judges of the witches, and even the witches themselves, were convinced of the guilt of witchery, the guilt nevertheless was non-existent. It is thus with all guilt.

Founded in a more subtle era, when petty grievances weren't talked about and little spites had a larger role to play in interpersonal relationships, the otherwise standard greeting cards for sale here should be handled with gloved hands, because they're designed with sharp edges to cause paper cuts in the recipients when they open the card wishing them a happy anniversary or Father's Day

Specializing in trick card decks, there's plenty for the sleight-handed to appreciate here, from the deck where each suit and rank has a unique mark on the back, to a deck of all 9s to the most popular 1 card deck containing the only card you'll need, the Ace of Spades

Karl, an 8-inch tall doll of a famous economic philosopher, sells tiny paintings, hand carved fairy garden furniture and fantasy miniatures, as well as magnification equipment, paints and tiny brushes, the finest of which consists of a single hair from a lion's mane, used to ink the pips on the dice fairies carve from the teeth of children for their board games

Mean-spirited, graphic, historically accurate--these postcards of executions with friendly Wish You Were Here and Happy Mother's Day messages are ideal for hatemailing enemies and navigating fraught family relationships

Large-eyed dolls in a variety of shapes, from domestic animals and tiny people to fantastic creatures and adults in bizarre professions like Product Owner, these fragile figures all possess an unnerving cuteness

Adept practicioners of tephromancy and kapnomancy offer diviniations from the ashes and smoke of objects precious to the customer, cast to the flames of a ritual brazier; the appalling stench of melted plastic lingers over everything, but objects from the real world are said to provide the most accurate predictions

Primarily a specimen shop selling in bulk to scientists, experimental dabblers and buyers for the kitchens of snake restaurants, the simple but earwormy jingle "Rats and More, Rats and More, Why Don't You Come Into Our Store?" attracts a lot of shoppers who might otherwise pass by

Ray's mission is to teach runaways and other unwanted pets useful trades to help build back their self-esteem; Ray's Strays Certified plumbing dogs and tattoo artist cats often find a rewarding second act to lives whose first act was a disappointment

An invisible war is being waged between the blue fish and the red fish who gaze from their facing aquariums across the aisle with hatred and mistrust; it wouldn't take much to tip the scales towards one side or the other

A chronically understaffed halfway house for ailing aquatic creatures of all kinds, looking for new owners with big hearts, libidinous teenagers are known to sneak into an unmonitored room to play Spin the Turtle with Hector, an ancient False Map turtle

Because the clerks all wear blindfolds as part of their uniform, the run of the mill illusionist supplies that line the shelves--black wands with white tips, archaic tophats, trick decks--are common targets for shoplifters

A no-nonsense bulk seller of tobacco smoke that comes in cannisters designed to be plugged into automated playpipes that perform inhalation and exhalation, which they sell to circumspect children and mannequins (and other mouthless) who have developed an affectation for smoking

A swirling funnel moves slowly down the aisles, pulling clever greeting cards and sheets of paper in seldom-sought weights from the shelves, while the employees trail behind it, restocking the shelves in its wake

Designed to appeal to puzzle speed competitors where everyone works to complete their own copy the fastest, there's not much here for the casual jigsaw fan, though tattlers, who serve as informants for the Mall, have been known to hang around the 10,000 piece community puzzle to trade secrets

A literal invitation to dive into the massive aquariums to get to know your new potential aquatic friend better, scuba gear is available to get close to even the most shy bottomdwellers

Pulse-pounding beats spill out into the plaza, where a secondhand pre-party has formed of trendy folk who couldn't get past the bouncer; an invite is required, unless you're a celebrity, and inside DJ Jawa spins record after record, always hungry for new tunes, especially ones from outside the Mall's lower level music factories where innumerable bands toil in sweaty warehouses producing album after album that regardless of genre share a desperate exhausted mediocrity

Pretty but inconvenient flowers in bird cages that must not be watered after midnight or end up becoming meat-eating terrors

From the baskets of free candy to the inviting couches in front of large video game demo kiosks to the play zone where every toy in the store is available to try before buying by decree of the owner, a wholesome woman who decided not to grow up, the Kid Zone caters to junior consumers and their parents' wallets

Pandering to customers looking for the exotic, these creatures are all mythological beings who never made it onto the ark; recently Mall Upgraders have been trying to get the store closed and convert the living animals into stuffed ones by injecting them with a certain chemical, which they feel will appeal to a broader customer base

The repetitive rituals practiced here may not strike an adult as "fun", but to a child, whose seriousness at play cannot be doubted, they provide a framework and instruction, assume a religious power--to interrupt them would be a foolish mistake

Filled with graybeards and grognards, this game store / smoke shop ends up catering to an older customer, but the young aren't explicitly discouraged--if they can brave spirited arguments about CRTs and ZOCs from gamers their grandparents' age, they can find good deals on the used shelf, though none come from a smoke-free home

A popular stop for shoppers low on cash, the slightly sinister clerks are always busy buying blood no questions asked and deliver quality blood for edgy artists, vampires and health professionals; often crowded with so-called 'ghouls' who gather up blood from accidents in the Mall for quick cash

Well, to be exact, one elephantine whale is for sale, and it's probably way too expensive for you to buy; but tours are offered of its insides, said to be like a maze holding treasure, hazards and glory for the wily and brave

The earthy smell of manure and sweat drifts out from this store styled like a horse ranch where fine stallions both mechanical and real trot around behind a wooden fence; modern saddles, stylish horse shirts and riding glasses line the shelves

Known for sponsoring infamous plaza smokeouts, this outlaw themed store prides itself on its brash, boastful identity that doesn't care about your feelings, just the finest tobacco bred for pungency and lingerability; scornful of gimmick flavors and colored smoke, they offer earthy saddle leather, sun sweat, gun oil and the dire fart smell from eating meat vegetables from the House of Gristle

Not so much a store as an institution, Zoltar waits behind glass with his crystal ball to answer the questions of an endless line of the desperate and merely curious

Dozens of different colored tees rest in quaint penny candy bins, coexisting uncomfortably with the hybrid rifleclubs made from exotic metals and woods, armored 8-seater golf carts, bulletproof pencil bags and metallic golf balls made with depleted uranium to reduce aerodynamic drag all to support Golf War, team stroke play mixed with paintball and bloodsport

The only ski supplies store that can boast having an infinite virtual reality slope to try out new gear on, some claim that the developers included a horrible yeti that devours you eventually as an easter egg, but that if it happens, you die in real life

The athletic employees of this vast sporting goods warehouse weren't always so spiteful and angry towards other stores, but when management mandated a three song soundtrack consisting of Van Halen's Jump, House of Pain's Jump Around, and Jump by Kris Kross played on repeat all shift, it was the only rational move

High risk games played with these balls reward gentle handling and expert accuracy, though no amount of caution can avoid player injury as shards of crystal draw blood from the scarred legs and arms of veteran crystal ballers

Offering instruction, tournaments and a bevy of martial arts gear, the Dojo is a welcoming place to kick butt and get your butt kicked

Stocking ski supplies branded after famous figures in the East Coast-West Coast Hip Hop Rivalry, there's really no other place to buy a snowboard with Suge Knight's face on it, or try on ski goggles while listening to Tim Dog, Uncle Luke, Mobb Deep and other artists representing both coasts

Wholesome and family-focused, the ski gear branded with friendly cartoons and bright primary colors makes it perfect for parents seeking to shape their children into professional skiers by starting their infants and toddlers early

Selling the usual ski poles and skis, winter gear and goggles, what sets the store apart is the brisk trade in fake snow; sold by the hundredweight in wet, dry, and powder varieties, the white stuff will not melt but is difficult to keep clean and smells chemically, a problem easily resolved by mixing colorless snow scents (sold separately) into the bags before application

An aural and olfactory assault complements a wide range of sporting goods displayed behind individual glass lockers that the athletic-wear-from-the-70s-clad sales clerks must consult a playbook for the combinations to open

A store welcoming but cold, the ice blocks and packed snow which make up the floor, walls, shelves and counters of the space are impressive, with the owner's gamble that the increased cost of keeping the temperature low will net higher profit in people buying winter coats, scarves and gloves

Disguised as miniaturized ski gear, the kit sold here leans towards crowbars, lockpicks, hooks and tension wrenches

Obsequious clerks have been trained to ask every individual who enters the store the same question, suffering an existential struggle when the customer's answer isn't in stock